Today I Take You Inside The Finely-Honed Psyche of A Runner

Ohmigosh I have missed this. Seventy degrees. Perfect. First time outside in over a month. First long run since I hurt my shoulder. Perfect day. Perfect day. Look at watch. Stretchstretchstretchstretch. REACH. Big breath. Ipod. Playlist “running tunes”. Both ears? Crap. Go back in; get better earphones. Car! In the car. Eli had good ones in the car. Ah. Yes. Much much better. Check watch. Let’s roll.

Nice easy walk. Perfect, perfect day. Ok, trot. Footstrike-footstrike-footstrike-footstrike. Inventory: Shoulder? Check. Good. How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he’ll need 4-6 visits. Knees? Great. Feet? Never better. Breathing? Fine? Everything else? Dang, I love this new running bra. Love-it-love-it-love-it-love-it-shoulda-bought-all-five-on-the-rack-shoulda-bought-all-five-on-the-rack-shoulda-bought-all-five-on-the-rack. RUN.

YES! I’m RUNNING! I’m flying! I’m free! I’m an Olympian! I’m a Kenyan! I’m a wild, wild mustang, I’m a fierce Amazon warrior, I am a machine.

I’m sucking air.

WHAT THE HECK? What’s going on here? System breakdown! Defcon 5! ABORT! ABORT! ABORT! What is going on here? I can’t run? I forgot how? Three lousy weeks off and THREE WHOLE FREAKING YEARS of effort is GONE? What? Can’t-breathe-can’t-breathe-can’t-breathe-can’t-breathe. Walk. NOW.

I hate running. Forget this, it sucks. Who am I kidding? What am I doing out here? Kick a rock. I’ll never be able to run for real, I’ll never lose my belly, I'm an apple, I'll always be an apple, I'll die an apple and they'll bury me in an apple-shaped coffin. I’ll never make 13 miles by April. I am just looking ridiculous…SHUT UP. KEEP WALKING. KEEP MOVING. I MEAN IT. DO NOT TURN AROUND. DO NOT STOP. I MEAN IT I AM TALKING TO YOU ROXIE.

Calm down. It’s all right. You just lost your head and went out too fast at the start. Go back to the beginning, stick to what you know works. Run one, walk one. Run one, walk one. It’ll come back to you. Sheesh. Bummer. Hey, great song.

Dog! Dog! Dog! Oh. On a chain. Ha-ha-ha dog. I’m running, you’re not. Yeah, yeah, barkbarkbark right back atcha.

“Sometimes the climb can be so steep. I may falter in my steps, but never beyond Your reach.” Great, great song. Soundtrack-for-my-whole-life kinda song. God, thank you. Thank you thank you thank you thank you. Kids are healthy and happy and Lisa’s well and getting stronger and we can eat and I have a good job and a warm house and my folks are healthy and well and all the rest of the family is too and I have friends and it’s all good it’s all good it’s all good thank you thank you thank you thank you. Thirsty.

Didn’t hide water so can’t go to the country. Cemetery. Lots of water hydrants. Cut over. Hill! No! Not that hill! Yes! Yes! Yes! I can do the hill! I can I can I can. OK, so walk a little. No! Pick-up coming! Be running! HA! HELLO! Waving back at you, bet you are thinking, “I can’t believe that is Roxie out there running. Gee, I should get out there and run again, too. I mean, come ON, it’s ROXIE!” Ha-ha-ha I KNOW that’s exactly what you’re thinking. Hee-hee.

Nobody sees me in the cemetery. I’m walking a while. Hey, there, Great-Grandma Anderson, Great-Grandpa. I bet you are wondering what the heck I am doing, running when no one is chasing me. World’s gone nuts, huh? Nice roads here. “I’m a survivor, I’m getting stronger, I'm not gon' give up, I'm a survivor” Gotta run to that song. Not a walk song. Good thinking, putting that one on there for me, Bek. Dirt ahead! Yay! Thank you Jesus! Dirt Road! Take it! Feet say thanks! Thud THUD, thud THUD, thud THUD; foot STRIKE, foot STRIKE, foot STRIKE; pavement. Water stop. Susan’s right—her backyard is cool. Wow, I bet you can see Kansas from up here. Can almost see the home place. Walk. Family plot coming up. Go? Why? It’s not like they’re there. Might as well, you’re here. Hey, Grandma Irene, Grandpa Arnold. Hey, Rex. Stop.

Do the math. Carry the one. November, December, January, February. One-third of a year. June, July, August, September, October, November, December, January. Eight fingers, three-fourths of a year. “I’ll always be older than you.” No, you won’t. I passed you. I just passed you. That made you laugh, didn’t it? It did, it did, I know it did. RUN.

Foot STRIKE foot STRIKE fast FEET fast FEET I know you’re laughing Rex and I know you laugh when I run and I know you cheer when I race and I know you throw back your head and really let it go when I talk about a marathon and I know that you know that we both know that I can. Cut across the grass. Hey, Grandpa Elmer. It’s been a long time. Look at those two college guys without shirts playing Frisbee with a dog right here in the old family section why aren’t they down in the park? Ha. Grandma Irene would have been appalled. But she’s not now. No, I mean, she’s really not because I bet now she can get it that sometimes doing something like playing Frisbee with your dog without a shirt on might be the very most respectful way to celebrate somebody’s life or anybody’s life or just life and you just never know hey how about I really get crazy and go down the hill through the brush and the trees oooh look at me maybe someday I want to try trail-running or hiking, yes! Yes! Yes! I definitely do this is so much fun. Look it’s that old fitness trail the Kiwanis tried to make a go of I bet nobody’s been back here for years. Was it Kent or Scott that I used to go on this with Kent or Scott or Kent or Scott and why on earth can’t I remember, whoops, sorry guys. I remember when they used to have monkeys here I wonder when they got rid of them, OK, now WALK.

Do NOT look at your watch, do NOT look at your watch, DO NOT—OK. Well, do look. I guess it doesn’t make any difference today because you are just guessing how far you went. It’s been a good work out. WHAT were you thinking with THAT song, Bek? Did you actually think I’d like THAT? Skip. “Start Wearing Purple, Wearing Purple, Start Wearing Purple For Me No-ooow” HA! LOVE that one, Bek! Who knew? A POLKA! Maybe the world needs more Polka. Time to be home. Not the road. Up through the trees again. Like when you were a kid in Brownie scouts. Do NOT buy cookies this year. Do NOT. You know you will. OK, but only the boxes the kids like and you don’t. OK, ONE box of thin mints but you can’t open it until you get to work and then you have to give most of them away.

Getting dark already? Almost home? Finish strong, finish strong, always run it in, always finish strong. Text message maybe kids been gone a long time better check it. SILAS: Do you need me to come home and watch Eli so you can go run? Is he really fourteen? I am humbled. I am blessed. Finish strong, porch light on, “Mom! What’s for supper? Mom! I need help on this! Mom! I can’t download this! Mom!” Finish strong.

Home.