A Public Service Announcement for Men Over 40 Who Date Online

We here at the headquarters of Really, Really Concerned Women Who Are Also Online have compiled the empirical data from our extensive research. We are releasing our findings in this handy guide. We strongly urge you to follow these simple suggestions when filling out your profile information. Observing these common courtesies should help make the online experience more expedient and less horrifying for all concerned. Thank you for your cooperation.

• MARITAL STATUS-- The question, "Are you married?" is actually fairly easy to answer. "It's complicated" is NOT the correct answer. For better dating results, choose one of the following options: 1.) No 2.) Yes 3.) We have filed and moved out, and it will be final on ________ 4.) My wife was lost at sea 6 years and 10 months ago. I am waiting until she is declared legally dead to actually move on with my life.
• JOB-- Get one. Then date. Do not, under any circumstances, try to reverse the order of this process. The results of improperly applying this rule can be catastrophic.
• MOTHER-- If you mention Mom once, we find it to be sweet. IF your mother has some extremely interesting feature, such as having recently been elected Speaker of the House, or having just awakened from a 20 year coma, you could, possibly, mention her twice. But this would only be for the advanced profile-writer, and must be done with great skill. If you mention mom three times or more, it's quite possible that you have already found the woman of your dreams, and, oh, What luck! She already knows how you like your toast buttered!
• The Bible-- One man I recently met was involved in four (4) --emphasis mine here--FOUR, ongoing small group Bible studies. Desiring God (time-consuming) Experiencing God (Very Time-Consuming) a chapter-a-week discussion of the Book of John (Wildly Time-Consuming) and a 2-Verse-A-Week scripture memorizing accountability partnership (MIND-BLOWINGLY Time-Consuming). While we here at the RRCWWAAO home office whole-heartedly support Bible-studying men, we feel that one small group study should meet the needs of the average man. Two could be allowed under special circumstance. Three is intimidating. Four is just, well, downright spooky.
• SHIRTS-- Mandatory for all men over 40, and most of them over 30. We cannot emphasize this strongly enough here. The purpose of your profile is to put your best foot forward. Lead with your strengths. If you truly feel that a bare-chested picture of you is your strongest asset, please get a second impartial opinion of that photo anyway, before you post it. And if it is confirmed that that is, in fact, your biggest selling point, well, perhaps you ought to review the "job" rule above.
• "My Friends All Tell Me I'm just a Big Kid At Heart" RRCWWAAO women are in 100% agreement on this important point: The main reason we are really grateful that we are out of jr. high is jr. high boys. They were annoying the first time around, and the prospect of dealing with a bigger, taller one who can now drive and hold the checkbook flies in the face of every principle we here at the home office hold dear. If you really just mean that you get silly and loud when you're watching the Sooners, say that instead. Our members are specially trained to understand that sort of behavior, and that should pose no significant problem.
• "I'm A Passionate Lover With Passionate Needs" We are of the understanding that this is actually the default setting of most single men. We feel that most men are also aware of this. Therefore, when a man feels compelled to point that out to complete strangers, not only is it redundant, it is also......alarming.
• ER, Uhm-- Unless you actually own a "Bath and Bodyworks" franchise, there is absolutely no reason for the word "lotion" to appear anywhere in your profile. We have studied this in-depth, and can come up with no other possible scenario whereby that would be acceptable. Maybe not even after the first 42 dates. Ew.

We hope this information will be useful to you in your quest. Please feel free to pass this along to any and all dating persons. We are including one last bit of information you may find helpful. This is an excerpt from an actual profile, and we feel it is the very essence of everything we here at RRCWWAAO lie awake at nights worrying about:

"Please do not ask me what happened in all my other marriages. I do not like to talk about them. It makes me cry."

Thank you for your cooperation.